Motherhood....trials and tribulations

Everything had been going so well and we thought we would start our wonderful role as parents with not a care in the world....until I hit the brick wall. I had to have a meeting this week with a couple of the managers at work so that they could give me a verbal warning about being sick too many times....yea you heard me right, what kind of crap is that???? #1 - I get sick quite often #2 - I have a personal philosophy that you don't go to work when you are sick so you don't spread it to other people and #3 - I'm pregnant, I have to take care of myself and I can't use all of the possible energy I have when I'm not feeling well to go to work and then who knows what would happen? I'm not going to put my unborn child at that kind of a risk. So at this "meeting" I was told that I shouldn't come to work when I'm sick but that I SHOULD come to work anyway if I'm sick.....ummmm, yea, whatever. So then I decide to ask what is going to happen before and after my maternity leave. I asked very politely to spend the last week or two working at home and I got the "No because if we do it for you we have to do it for everyone else"....ummm, I'm the only one in my department pregnant. Then I got the, "well, we can't have you working at home because it's a HIPPA violation"....yea, I'm not giving you credit on this one either because it's not any more a HIPPA violation to work in an office building than it is in a home. So then, I asked to work 4 ten hour days when I come back from leave and I got the same crap excuse....yea I got a big fat pile of poop at work yesterday and I have not been happy about it because it screws up all of the plans that Brice and I had set to take care of the baby.

All of this of course, makes me feel like crap and I feel like it is all my fault and it's impossible for me not to be upset about it (of course, the horomones probably don't help the situation any). I feel lied to and used at work....I took that job because I knew that we would be starting a family and the options were there for flexible working hours and possibly working from home only to find out now that apparently the office I work in doesn't follow those corporate policies. So, of course, that gets the wheels turning - is it worth to continue to work after the baby is born if I can't have what I thought I was going to? Do I try to transfer to a different department that would allow me to have a more flexible schedule? Do I try going down to part time? What is going to be the best situation for all of us? I wish that I could just stop working for now but that just isn't going to be possible because we don't have enough income coming from Brice in order to pay all of the bills and be able to eat (ah, the crummy income of a paramedic!) so I have to keep working. Do I keep my job or do I decide that I'm going to stop working for corporate America to work for a more mommie friendly company? Am I over-reacting? Is the stress of there only being 8 weeks left getting the best of me? I don't know what the answers to all of those questions are. All of this is tough enough for me but then I have to deal with my always worrying about having enough money of a husband and with the fact that my short term disability policy at work only pays for 6 weeks of wages when I get a total of 12 off through FMLA....where is the cash for an extra 6 weeks off of work going to come from???? It's been a rough couple of days.

I have so many things going through my head right now that I don't know what I should be feeling. I already feel as though I have failed my son because I thought I had everything all set and ready for his arrival. I feel as though my employer has let me down and I have lost hope of ever enjoying my work again. I feel angry and upset that we now have to come up with an alternate way of taking care of the baby when both of us are at work (nanny or daycare?) when all we wanted to do was to take care of him ourselves. Will things eventually work out? Yes, but not without a little extra cash out of the wallet and a little less time watching my son grow. I think that is what is upsetting me the most....I just want to be there for him day in and day out and watch the little miracle that we created explore, learn and grow. I know that I'll probably always feel that way but I think this is the most difficult thing I have had to deal with my whole life. I can't wait for him to make his appearance but I don't think I'm going to want to leave him after that.